What's the point?

I've been sitting here for a few hours now trying to figure out what my first post should be about. I've attempted blogging a few other times in the past and I haven't been able to keep them up for very long if at all. So I'm asking myself, what is the point of this? Why am I trying yet again? 

Maybe it's because I want people to know who I am and how I think. Not to be vain or famous. Just so people can see what goes on with me and maybe, just maybe, understand. 

I'm not good at making friends. And when I do make those friends, they don't usually know a lot about me because I'm not good at letting people in and those friendships don't last very long. It's hard for me to really let people see who I am. Mostly because I'm not exactly sure myself who I am. 

I've spent most of my life being a shape shifter. Being who everyone else wanted me to be or who I thought they wanted me to be for fear of rejection and just not being liked. Not exactly a good habit to have. But it became my life. I wanted so badly for everyone, especially the people I liked, to like me. 

I didn't realize what I had been doing for the past 10 years or so till a few months ago. And the past few months have been very difficult and confusing for me as I haven been trying to break this habit and actually figure out who I am. Not who people think I am or want me to be. But who God wants me to be and who He is calling me to be. 

I am still and maybe even more terrified of rejection, not being liked, and what people think about me. There are some people I want so badly to approve of me and accept me that I'm terrified of them. 

So maybe this blog is so I can get out of this rut. So I can teach myself not to be so afraid of being me and saying things and getting rejected. Not to care so much what other people think how or how I think they're thinking. To be bold and get out there and admit things to myself that I haven't been able to in the past. 

No more just merely existing in the background or being used as a puppet for others.

This blog is me. What I think, what I do, what I feel.