Let Go and Let God

Something that was emphasized during my time in college was this phrase: "Let go and let God."

Easy to say, easy to remember, so much harder to live out. 

I know it can be really difficult to give something to God's control because we have this need to do the best we can in situations and take control of everything. 

This is something I especially done a lot because I am a major perfectionist and I just can't let anything go unless I know it's perfect. Especially if things are falling apart. I have to take total control and do everything in my power to fix things and make things right and it all has to go my way. Even if the situation is totally out of hand and there is really nothing I can even do, I have to be in charge and have total power. If not, I feel like a total failure and feel the need to constantly punish myself because my failure means I'm just not good enough for anything. All this weight is on me. Mostly because I gave it to myself. 

In most cases, I go from being super freaky and controlling to major depression and pity parties because in most cases, I fail to truly fix things. 

So what's the problem here? Well first of all, there are too many seemingly insignificant words being included in this. Me doing everything I can. Me doing everything in my power because I  need to have control. It's up to me to fix things.

There's too much of me. 

So much that there's no room for any kind of help. There's all the pressure of trying to be perfect and perfect everything that I do so that everything can just be perfect. 

But the thing is, I'm not even anywhere in a million years close to being perfect in any way. So why on earth do I think I can take control and do the right things? No wonder I failed so much. I was completely blinded by my quest for perfection to see clearly and see that I was on the verge of spontaneous combustion and seriously needed help. 

I was blind to see that there actually was someone out there who really really really wanted to help me. Someone who actually really could help me. Someone who was actually perfect. Someone who had the ability to take away my burdens and show me that it's not my job to control everything because it is humanly impossible. Someone who was next to me waiting to for me to ask for help. 

I eventually did spontaneously combust. Or at least, that's sure what it felt like. It was a very startling awakening. My eyes were opened and I finally started to realize what I had been doing for so long and why it kept failing. 

God was there the whole entire time ready to take all those burdens off of me. But I decided to let them keep piling up and handling things myself. It's like saying God isn't good enough to handle my baggage. I can do it better then God. What on earth. 

God sent His Son to die on the cross for us to take away our sins, punishments, and burdens. 

Who am I to say that that isn't good enough? Even if I never actually said or thought those words, my actions spoke them loud and clear. 

Wow. 

I was given a book a few months ago called "Redeeming Love". It's pretty much the best fiction novel I have ever read. In this book, the main character, Angel, makes friends with this girl who is a lot like me and has a habit of trying to take control of everything. What she did to help her was every time an issue that was out of her control came up, she would write it down on a piece of paper and put it in a little box that was under her bed. When that problem was in the box, it was her giving up her problem to God. Giving up control to Him and not worrying about it anymore.

That's what I decided a few weeks ago to start doing. I have a little box under my bed and whenever something comes up that I can't control, I write it down, date it, tuck it away under my bed, and breathe a sigh of relief because God can do it. He's got me covered. I just have to be patient and wait for His perfect timing. 

I have been so much happier and stress free since practicing letting things go like that. Now when problems do come up, I don't feel the need to go into freaky control mode as much if at all. And it feels so, so good. 

So to anyone reading this that has trouble letting go and letting God, just take a little box and some paper and do what I did. It may feel sort of silly at first, but it really is something helpful to practice, especially for us control freaks. God knows what He's doing. He is the most trust worthy and reliable being out there. He will never let us down. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. 

Integrity

This past new year, I decided to pretty much restart my life. I have done a lot of things that I'm not proud of and my life was turning into a huge, uncontrollable mess. Things needed to change.

After I came home from college for break, I spent a lot of time trying to set my life on track. I read my Bible as much as I could, prayed, and really thought about my life. There were a lot of things I had to stop doing. There were a lot of people I had to stop being friends with. And there were a lot of things I had to stop liking. I had to completely cleanse myself and my life and let God redirect me to the path that I needed to be on to turn things around. 

It's been a really difficult road because cleansing myself pretty much meant putting away the life I had when I first left home for school. It was really hard to not want to just break down and go back to what I was used to because I felt so alone and uncomfortable not being who I used to be and being with people who were ultimately a bad influence on me.

But with God's help, I didn't break. I somehow was able to stay strong and it really has paid off. I know that I'm going the right way and that's one of the best feelings. And now that things have been turned around, I have to keep it that way. 

I have decided to become a different person. I have to be a different person. I can be anyone I want and do anything I want. So I have decided to be a woman of God and do what HE wants me to do. Keeping Him first and me second. He is guiding my life now. 

Along with that, I want to be a woman of integrity. No more bad reputation, no more secrets, regrets, hiding, doing thing I know are wrong and not good for me. No more.

I will ponder the way that is blameless. Oh when will you come to me? I will walk with integrity of heart within my house; I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me. Psalm 101:2-3

This is what I want to live my life like. To be blameless (as much as possible) and pure. Choosing carefully who I let be close to me and who I let influence me. Being careful with the things I do and what I say to people, especially my family. 

Having this goal is really tough. It'd be easier to go off and do things the old way or act in an old way. Better isn't always easier. But it's getting easier to be able to make the right choices.

Nobody is perfect. But I can do the best I can with strength and patience from God.