Let Go and Let God

Something that was emphasized during my time in college was this phrase: "Let go and let God."

Easy to say, easy to remember, so much harder to live out. 

I know it can be really difficult to give something to God's control because we have this need to do the best we can in situations and take control of everything. 

This is something I especially done a lot because I am a major perfectionist and I just can't let anything go unless I know it's perfect. Especially if things are falling apart. I have to take total control and do everything in my power to fix things and make things right and it all has to go my way. Even if the situation is totally out of hand and there is really nothing I can even do, I have to be in charge and have total power. If not, I feel like a total failure and feel the need to constantly punish myself because my failure means I'm just not good enough for anything. All this weight is on me. Mostly because I gave it to myself. 

In most cases, I go from being super freaky and controlling to major depression and pity parties because in most cases, I fail to truly fix things. 

So what's the problem here? Well first of all, there are too many seemingly insignificant words being included in this. Me doing everything I can. Me doing everything in my power because I  need to have control. It's up to me to fix things.

There's too much of me. 

So much that there's no room for any kind of help. There's all the pressure of trying to be perfect and perfect everything that I do so that everything can just be perfect. 

But the thing is, I'm not even anywhere in a million years close to being perfect in any way. So why on earth do I think I can take control and do the right things? No wonder I failed so much. I was completely blinded by my quest for perfection to see clearly and see that I was on the verge of spontaneous combustion and seriously needed help. 

I was blind to see that there actually was someone out there who really really really wanted to help me. Someone who actually really could help me. Someone who was actually perfect. Someone who had the ability to take away my burdens and show me that it's not my job to control everything because it is humanly impossible. Someone who was next to me waiting to for me to ask for help. 

I eventually did spontaneously combust. Or at least, that's sure what it felt like. It was a very startling awakening. My eyes were opened and I finally started to realize what I had been doing for so long and why it kept failing. 

God was there the whole entire time ready to take all those burdens off of me. But I decided to let them keep piling up and handling things myself. It's like saying God isn't good enough to handle my baggage. I can do it better then God. What on earth. 

God sent His Son to die on the cross for us to take away our sins, punishments, and burdens. 

Who am I to say that that isn't good enough? Even if I never actually said or thought those words, my actions spoke them loud and clear. 

Wow. 

I was given a book a few months ago called "Redeeming Love". It's pretty much the best fiction novel I have ever read. In this book, the main character, Angel, makes friends with this girl who is a lot like me and has a habit of trying to take control of everything. What she did to help her was every time an issue that was out of her control came up, she would write it down on a piece of paper and put it in a little box that was under her bed. When that problem was in the box, it was her giving up her problem to God. Giving up control to Him and not worrying about it anymore.

That's what I decided a few weeks ago to start doing. I have a little box under my bed and whenever something comes up that I can't control, I write it down, date it, tuck it away under my bed, and breathe a sigh of relief because God can do it. He's got me covered. I just have to be patient and wait for His perfect timing. 

I have been so much happier and stress free since practicing letting things go like that. Now when problems do come up, I don't feel the need to go into freaky control mode as much if at all. And it feels so, so good. 

So to anyone reading this that has trouble letting go and letting God, just take a little box and some paper and do what I did. It may feel sort of silly at first, but it really is something helpful to practice, especially for us control freaks. God knows what He's doing. He is the most trust worthy and reliable being out there. He will never let us down. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. 

Integrity

This past new year, I decided to pretty much restart my life. I have done a lot of things that I'm not proud of and my life was turning into a huge, uncontrollable mess. Things needed to change.

After I came home from college for break, I spent a lot of time trying to set my life on track. I read my Bible as much as I could, prayed, and really thought about my life. There were a lot of things I had to stop doing. There were a lot of people I had to stop being friends with. And there were a lot of things I had to stop liking. I had to completely cleanse myself and my life and let God redirect me to the path that I needed to be on to turn things around. 

It's been a really difficult road because cleansing myself pretty much meant putting away the life I had when I first left home for school. It was really hard to not want to just break down and go back to what I was used to because I felt so alone and uncomfortable not being who I used to be and being with people who were ultimately a bad influence on me.

But with God's help, I didn't break. I somehow was able to stay strong and it really has paid off. I know that I'm going the right way and that's one of the best feelings. And now that things have been turned around, I have to keep it that way. 

I have decided to become a different person. I have to be a different person. I can be anyone I want and do anything I want. So I have decided to be a woman of God and do what HE wants me to do. Keeping Him first and me second. He is guiding my life now. 

Along with that, I want to be a woman of integrity. No more bad reputation, no more secrets, regrets, hiding, doing thing I know are wrong and not good for me. No more.

I will ponder the way that is blameless. Oh when will you come to me? I will walk with integrity of heart within my house; I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me. Psalm 101:2-3

This is what I want to live my life like. To be blameless (as much as possible) and pure. Choosing carefully who I let be close to me and who I let influence me. Being careful with the things I do and what I say to people, especially my family. 

Having this goal is really tough. It'd be easier to go off and do things the old way or act in an old way. Better isn't always easier. But it's getting easier to be able to make the right choices.

Nobody is perfect. But I can do the best I can with strength and patience from God.

Forgiveness

A few weeks ago at my church, the pastor was talking about forgiveness.

These days, it seems like forgiveness doesn't really have much meaning. People don't really understand what it really means to truly forgive. Sort of like the word love. It's just thrown around without much meaning usually attached to it. 

Sure, it can be tough to truly forgive, but people seem to take the easy way by adding a "but" and some kind of exception to it. Forgive but I won't forget. 

So is that really forgiving? If there are still strings attached or a little grudge is still there, is that really truly forgiving?

Not forgiving someone is destructive. It affects you inside and eventually comes out and affects the people you interact with. Holding a grudge just isn't healthy and it could ruin relationships that shouldn't be ruined. 

When you forgive someone, it means completely moving forward. To some extent, forget. Sometimes, there are some things you just can't forget. But it is still possible to move on and not let it get in the way of the future or in the way of starting over. 

Sometimes, it's really hard to forgive someone and move on. But it has to been done. Especially when it comes to having very close and intimate relationships like having a spouse or even having a child. You have to learn to forgive and not hold a grudge for days and days against a spouse or child. It's awful and negative and well, we all make mistakes. 

Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

What about forgiving ourselves? That has to be one of the hardest kinds of forgiveness. But today, I was reading in my devotional something that really hit home. 

The Bible doesn't tell us that we have to forgive ourselves. It's impossible for us to forgive ourselves. But that's why Jesus died on the cross. To forgive us our sins. Over and over every single day no matter how awful and terrible we think we are. We have to learn to accept that. Jesus is the one who forgives us. So if we don't think that's possible, it's like saying Jesus taking all of that pain and suffering for us wasn't good enough. 

Well, it was good enough. It was more then enough. And we are all here debt free because of that. 

Like I said before, I personally struggle with forgiving myself a lot of the time. But after reading that devotional, it makes it a little bit easier and encourages me to stop throwing a pity party and accept that free, unlimited, everlasting gift.

I'd rather not wallow in my sorrows and live in guilt and depression because I have been FREED. And to whoever else is reading this, so have you! 

1 Corinthians 13:4 - 6 NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Keeping Up and Knowing

It is so easy to get on fire for God and have an excitement and passion for Him. Especially after going to camp or going to a really good service at church. It's just as easy to lose that fire and go back to every day living. I experienced that a lot growing up when I would go to camp. It's easy to get out of the house, go off into the wilderness for a few days, and being able to connect with God because all the stress and business of normal life was put aside for a while.

But then, things would begin to die down and go back to normal once I was home. Back to doing things on my own and living the life my way. 

I even experienced this at college. Going to prayer and chapel once a week and feeling all hyped up on God, and then the rest of week, going back to cruise control. 

Since I've been home, I've been working really hard at keeping up that fire and working on my relationship with God. I found out that the days I don't read the Bible or read a chapter or two out of my devotional, are the days that don't work out so well and I get this feeling of helplessness. 

Just simply reading the Bible makes that feeling of helplessness and hopelessness goes away. Even if it's just reading chapters suggested from the Life Journal plan on my YouVersion Bible app. And even if what I'm reading isn't something super amazing and answers all my life questions. It makes me feel so much better. 

I don't know a whole lot about the Bible. I've grown up going to Sunday School from ages 3-17. I know all the Sunday School and watered down versions of a the most popular stories. So I know about a lot of stories, but I don't really know them. 

After spending a semester at a Christian college, I realized that I really didn't know what people were talking about. There is more to the Bible then Noah and the Ark or Esther. There are so many incredible accounts that we can still learn from today. 

It is very important to be knowledgeable about the Bible. It's not enough just to know about the accounts. It is important to really understand it and know about the Word and all the incredible things it has. 

Keeping up with reading every day is something I try to do every day. Even if it doesn't help an immediate situation. Even if it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. There's just something about simply reading the Word and learning about it is so amazing and wonderful.

2 Timothy 3:16-17

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.

Psalm 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path

Giving Now Your All

The other day, I was reading my daily chapter out of "The Resolution for Women" that I mentioned in my last post, and the author was talking about living in the now and it really got me thinking.

Not just living in the now, but giving the now your best.

I know most people have the tendency to want to wait until things start to fall into place before they decide to really invest in things. Like waiting until you buy that apartment or house before trying to make it look nice and the way you want. Or until things fall into place with something at work before you give your best to a project.

Of course, you want to conserve your energy and you carefully pick the things that require your best.

But then some people try to save all of their energy and can't decide what they should focus on. Or some people try to give their best to everything at the same time and don't actually get anything accomplished.

I'm not saying giving your best to every little thing that you do every single day. That's impossible. I'm just saying, why wait to make the best of what you have now?

You never know, it could all be gone tomorrow.

So why not do what you can to the best of your ability? Instead of waiting around for the day you can finally give something your all and make it the best. You don't want to leave any regrets. At least, I know I don't.

Colossians 3:23-24

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

My New Year Resolution

You know the drill. Every New Year, people make the resolution to do the resolution last year that they promised themselves to do the year before that they originally decided to do the year before. Whether it's going to the gym more, getting fit, dropping bad habits, making new habits, the whole resolution things seems to be pretty pointless. And sometimes I think, why wait till January 1st to make a change when you can do something right now? Why wait till after the holidays till that magical first day of the year? I just doesn't make sense to me.

I tried the whole resolution thing when I was younger, but I even then, it seemed silly to me. 

But for this year, I have decided to make a resolution and so far, I've been pretty good at sticking with it. 

The resolution I made was to read this book that I was given a few months ago. 

"The Resolution for Women" by Priscilla Shirer. 

Perfect right? 

I didn't think much of the book when I first got it, and it took a while for me to actually sit down and really get into it. But since I've been home from college, it's been a lot easier. 

This is the perfect book for making resolutions. Not necessarily those New Years resolutions, but ones that shouldn't have to wait for the perfect day or the pointless ones that can simply be forgotten about and dropped.

This is life changing stuff. 

For me at least.
 I would highly recommend it for any woman out there.
It's so easy to read a chapter a day and sometimes, I find that the words are speaking directly to me. It's amazing to see God speaking to me through other texts.
This woman Priscilla is incredible. The stories and insights she shares are so uplifting and encouraging.
So far, her words have given me courage and a reason to be myself, and love who I am. I am here for a reason and everything that is happening right now is for a specific purpose so I can learn and grow.
So instead of making an empty resolution at the beginning of each year, do something now. Make the resolution and do something about it now. Don't wait for the "right moment".

Relationship with God

Relationships aren't always easy. In fact, they're usually not easy. Especially when it's a relationship with someone you really love and care about. There is a lot of work in keeping it alive.

I'm not very good at keeping up friendships. And really most relationships in general.
Though there are a few that I have been mostly successful with. And those ones were the tough. Wonderful and rewarding in the end, but tough.

One of these difficult relationships is my relationship with God.

It is the most important relationship I could ever have, and it is turning out to be the hardest one.

Maybe it's the way I was raised, but I seem to have something, like a wall, in the way of understanding what it means to really have a relationship with God. I haven't really tried until recently, so it's sort of a new, foreign and sort of scary thing to me.

It's so easy to stumble, wander off the path, and get distracted by bright, shiny objects.

In the past few weeks, I've been trying so hard to figure out how to break down this wall. Not just get over it; break it down completely. 

I've tried so many times and I fail just as many times to keep up this relationship and break down my walls and finally get it right.
But no matter how many times I mess up and slip, He's always there to pick me back up again. Even when I feel like I'm not good enough or can't go on, He's there to tell me I can do it and takes my hand.

Friends don't always do that. Friends, family, close relationships, they can come and go. Some will turn their backs on you, some will treat you unfairly. Promises can be broken, hurtful words can be said.

But when you are seeking that relationship with God and He is by your side, He never leaves us or forsakes us.

Wow.

Of course, this is something a lot of us already know. Yeah sure I know God is never going to leave me  and He will always be there.
But you don't actually understand what it means until He is really the only one you have left. When everyone and everything else fails. That's when you truly appreciate and feel it.

So yeah, I'm not the best at relationships. And my relationship with God is a struggle and sometimes I just want to drop it and walk away when it seems hopeless. But He hasn't dropped me when I got so stubborn and couldn't just obey and listen to Him. He died the most terrific death to take my sins away so I could be with Him. I've heard the story thousands of times, but when you realize and understand the full and true meaning, it's mind blowing. So why would I (or anyone for that matter) give up when I  stumble and fall when He was tortured and killed so I could get back up again?

It baffles me yet I constantly find myself here in this situation time and time again. I know I'm not the only one.

So even though I'm still struggling and I haven't made much progress, it gives me peace knowing that He's here with me to guide me in the right direction.

Thank you Jesus for being here when all else has failed. You wait here by my said until I remember to take Your hand again, Even if everyone else has continued on, You're always there. Wow. Thank you.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

What's the point?

I've been sitting here for a few hours now trying to figure out what my first post should be about. I've attempted blogging a few other times in the past and I haven't been able to keep them up for very long if at all. So I'm asking myself, what is the point of this? Why am I trying yet again? 

Maybe it's because I want people to know who I am and how I think. Not to be vain or famous. Just so people can see what goes on with me and maybe, just maybe, understand. 

I'm not good at making friends. And when I do make those friends, they don't usually know a lot about me because I'm not good at letting people in and those friendships don't last very long. It's hard for me to really let people see who I am. Mostly because I'm not exactly sure myself who I am. 

I've spent most of my life being a shape shifter. Being who everyone else wanted me to be or who I thought they wanted me to be for fear of rejection and just not being liked. Not exactly a good habit to have. But it became my life. I wanted so badly for everyone, especially the people I liked, to like me. 

I didn't realize what I had been doing for the past 10 years or so till a few months ago. And the past few months have been very difficult and confusing for me as I haven been trying to break this habit and actually figure out who I am. Not who people think I am or want me to be. But who God wants me to be and who He is calling me to be. 

I am still and maybe even more terrified of rejection, not being liked, and what people think about me. There are some people I want so badly to approve of me and accept me that I'm terrified of them. 

So maybe this blog is so I can get out of this rut. So I can teach myself not to be so afraid of being me and saying things and getting rejected. Not to care so much what other people think how or how I think they're thinking. To be bold and get out there and admit things to myself that I haven't been able to in the past. 

No more just merely existing in the background or being used as a puppet for others.

This blog is me. What I think, what I do, what I feel.